If you’re in or aiming for a romantic relationship, you surely want it to be a good one. But what exactly makes a relationship healthy?
It’s not the same for everyone. Healthy relationships can be different for each person, as people have different needs. What you need in terms of talking, sex and affection, space, things you like to do together, and what you believe in might change as you grow older. So, what’s right for you in your 20s might be totally different from what you want in your 30s.
Even if your relationship doesn’t match what’s usually seen as “normal,” it can still be healthy. Take, for instance, people who practice polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy – their idea of a good relationship might be unlike those who practice monogamy. In a nutshell, a “healthy relationship” covers a lot of ground. It’s because what makes a relationship work well depends on the people who are in it.
Still, there are a few clear signs that show up in relationships that are doing great.
What Healthy Relationships Look Like
Lindsey Antin, a therapist in Berkeley, California, says, “Adaptability is a big part of healthy relationships.” They adjust to changes and the fact that we keep changing and going through different phases in life.
Let’s check out some other signs of healthy relationships.
Open Talk
In healthy relationships, partners often talk about what’s happening in their lives – the good and the not-so-good.
You should feel okay discussing any problems that come up. It could be things from daily life, like work stress or issues with friends, to more serious stuff like mental health struggles or money worries. Even if they don’t agree, they listen and then share their own thoughts, without judging you.
Communication works both ways. It’s also important that you feel they’ll tell you if they’re worried or have something to say. For people in nonmonogamous relationships, staying connected emotionally and talking often about what’s happening with other partners is even more important.
Trust
Trust means being honest and fair. You don’t hide things from each other. When you’re apart, you’re not anxious about them being with someone else.But trust is more than believing they won’t cheat or lie to you.
It’s also about feeling secure and at ease with them, knowing they won’t hurt you physically or emotionally. You’re sure they care about what’s best for you, and they respect you enough to let you make your own choices.
Feeling Like You’re You
Healthy relationships are like teamwork. It’s like you’re there for each other, but you still have your own identity.
In simple words, your relationship is balanced. You know they care for you, but your confidence doesn’t depend on them. Even though you’re close, you don’t rely on each other for everything.You keep having friends and connections outside your relationship. You spend time doing your own hobbies and interests.
Being curious
It means you care about their thoughts, dreams, and daily life. You want to see them become their best self. You’re not just focused on who they were in the past or who you think they should be.
As Antin says, you both keep an open mind about each other.
Taking Time Apart
In healthy relationships, spending time together is important. However, how much time you spend together can change based on things like your own needs, work, where you live, and other commitments.
But you also know that having your own space and time is important. You might use this time to relax, do things you love, or meet friends and family.
Whatever you do, it’s okay not to be together all the time. Spending some time apart doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble.
Adding Fun and Playfulness
Having fun and being spontaneous is key. If you can laugh and joke around together, that’s a positive sign.
Sometimes life gets tough, and it might affect one or both of you. This can change how you usually interact with each other. But sharing light moments that relieve stress, even if it’s just for a short time, makes your relationship stronger even when things are hard.
Being Close Physically
Intimacy often means sex, but not always. Some people don’t like or want sex, and that’s okay. Your relationship can still be great without it, as long as you both agree on how to meet your needs.
If sex isn’t on your list, physical intimacy could be kissing, hugging, cuddling, and sleeping together. No matter what kind of closeness you share, connecting physically is important.
If you both enjoy sex, your physical relationship is healthy when:
- You’re okay with starting or talking about sex.
- You can handle being told “no” in a positive way.
- You can talk about what you want.
- You feel safe saying if you want more or less sex.
- Respecting Boundaries
Healthy intimacy also means respecting limits. This includes:
- Not pushing for sex or specific acts if they say no.
- Talking about other partners if it’s relevant.
- Discussing things that affect sexual safety.
Working Together as a Team
A strong relationship is like being part of a team. You help and support each other, even if you don’t always agree or have the same goals.
Resolving Disagreements
Even in good relationships, there will be times when you argue or feel upset with each other. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean your relationship is bad.
What matters is how you deal with these conflicts. If you can talk about your differences in a kind, honest, and respectful way, you’re doing well.
Couples who handle disagreements without being mean or judgmental can often find a solution that works for both.
Signs to Watch Out For
Your relationship should make you feel happy, connected, and fulfilled. But if you feel more stressed, anxious, or unhappy around your partner, your relationship might be having problems.
There are many signs of unhealthy relationships, so this list isn’t complete. However, it might help you see some possible issues.
Trying to Change Each Other
Antin says, “We can’t control someone else.” If there’s something bothering you, it’s okay to talk about it. You can express your feelings and ask them to consider making changes. But you can’t force them to change or control their actions. If something they do really bothers you and you can’t accept it, the relationship might not work in the long run.
Lack of Respect for Boundaries
Boundaries are important in a relationship, from how you talk to each other to your need for privacy. If you set a boundary and they ignore it or push you to change it, that’s a major warning sign.
For example, if you’ve said, “I need some time alone when I come home from work to relax before we hug or kiss,” but they keep coming to you right away, that’s not respecting your needs.
You might think they’re just showing affection, but if they keep doing it despite your request, it shows they’re not respecting your boundaries.
Spending Little Time Together
Relationships usually grow stronger when people enjoy being together and want more of it. Sometimes life can get in the way, but these situations are usually temporary.
If you’re spending less time together without a clear reason, like family issues or more work, it could be a sign your relationship is struggling.
Other signs might include feeling distant or relieved when you’re apart. You might even try to find excuses to avoid spending time together.
Recognizing Unequal Feelings in Relationships
In good relationships, things are usually pretty fair. You might share the money equally or balance out lower earnings by doing more tasks.
But equality in a relationship isn’t just about money. It also covers things like affection, talking, and what you both expect from the relationship. Sometimes, there might be times when things aren’t totally equal. One of you might lose your job for a while, find it hard to help with chores due to being sick, or feel less loving because of stress or other feelings.
However, if your relationship often feels out of balance, it might become a problem.
Negative Words and Hurtful Remarks
It’s okay to be concerned if your partner does something that worries you. But in a good relationship, partners usually talk about their feelings in helpful and positive ways.
It’s not healthy to keep criticizing each other or saying mean things, especially about personal choices like food, clothes, or favorite shows. If the criticism makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s usually not helpful.
Feeling Unheard in the Relationship
Maybe you feel like they’re not really interested when you bring up a problem or share something important. Or perhaps you hesitate to talk about your thoughts because you’re worried they won’t take you seriously.
Misunderstandings can happen sometimes. But if you talk about an issue, and they act like they understand but don’t change anything, or they forget about it the next day, that’s a sign to watch out for.
Afraid to Disagree
In a good relationship, it’s okay to have your own opinions, even if they’re different. If your partner responds to your differing views with disrespect, rudeness, or ignoring you, it could mean they don’t respect you or your ideas.
If you’re always worried about how they’ll react to what you say or you feel like you’re tiptoeing around them, it might be a good idea to seek help.
Not Feeling Happy or Comfortable
A big part of relationships is feeling happier and more content. If you’re often unhappy or uncomfortable, the relationship might not be meeting your needs.
This can happen even if both of you are trying. People change as time goes on, so feeling dissatisfied doesn’t mean either of you did something “wrong.” It might just mean you’ve grown in different directions.
Dealing with Disagreements
In healthy relationships, disagreements usually lead to finding solutions or a middle ground. It’s a continuous process, so you might not figure everything out right away. But you usually feel good about your talks afterward. You see some progress.
If you find yourselves talking in circles about the same things all the time, that’s not a great sign. Maybe things never get better no matter how much you talk. Maybe they start avoiding the conversation altogether.
It’s not easy to use the same rules for every relationship. But if you want to figure out if your relationship is healthy, you can ask yourself a few questions to do a self-check.
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Think about:
- Does my partner support my personal growth?
- Do we have similar goals for the future?
- Do we both want the same kind of relationship?
- Can I be myself when I’m with them?
- Do I accept them as they are?
- Are we fair in what we give and take?
- Is my life better because of them?
- Does our time together mean something to me?
If you mostly said yes, your relationship is likely a strong one.
Tips to Strengthen Your Relationship
If you noticed some of the warning signs in your relationship, couples counseling could be helpful.
“Couples therapy is when two people come together to work on themselves,” Antin explains. Seeking help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It shows you want to get better for yourselves and for each other.
But even strong relationships can benefit from some extra effort. Here are some tips to keep things going well.
Embrace Differences
You might have different interests. One might love going out, while the other enjoys staying in. This can be good because one can bring adventure, and the other can bring a cozy home.
See Their Side
Instead of pushing your point of view, try to understand theirs. Antin suggests being curious about how they think.
Solve Problems Together
Work as a team to fix issues, instead of blaming each other.
Ask and Listen
You won’t always agree, and that’s okay. You’re different people. The key is to find a middle ground.
Try New Things Together
If your relationship feels boring, try doing something new. Changing your environment might change how you feel.
Talk About Goals and Dreams
This can help you reconnect and make sure you both still want similar things.
The Key Takeaway
Maybe you and your partner connected over a shared love for exploring caves or enjoying Indian food, but these things don’t play a big role in keeping your relationship strong in the long run.
Ultimately, you need trust and a sense of safety with each other. You should believe that you can learn and develop together.
If you’re concerned about your relationship or think it’s not as strong as before, listen to your feelings and understand what they’re telling you. A therapist can give advice on when more work could make things better and when it might be time to consider other options.