Responses to the inquiry “What is the sensation of sex like?” span from eloquent and descriptive to vague and uninteresting. Nevertheless, all of them leave the inquirer desiring a deeper understanding. This is precisely why we’ve crafted this all-encompassing guide.
Important Note: Diverse Perspectives on the Meaning of Sex
Let’s have a show of hands from those who were taught that sex solely equates to penis-in-vagina penetration.
Considering that research indicates that 97.4 percent of individuals associate sex with penile-vaginal intercourse, many of you likely have raised your hands. However, it’s crucial to recognize that this definition is significantly limited.
Certainly, penile-vaginal intercourse can be categorized as sex. Yet, so can oral activity, manual stimulation, anal interaction, solo sex, intimate activities excluding penetration, and even kissing!
According to Kiana Reeves, a somatic sex expert and Director of Community Education at Foria—a company focused on enhancing pleasure and reducing discomfort during sexual experiences—”Sex encompasses anything that embodies the essence of intimacy, vulnerability, and intense exchange of pleasure and physical discovery.”
Regardless of the definition, the experience varies greatly for each individual. According to Reeves, sex can be emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally distinct, influenced by factors such as your identity, partner, physical attributes, activities, and more.
Moreover, what sex feels like can fluctuate day-to-day due to factors like:
- Your current level of hydration
- Recent dietary and alcohol consumption
- Your current stress levels
- Overall fitness and recent physical activity
- Access to contraceptives and protective measures
- Your current health status
On a physical level, certified sex therapist Casey Tanner explains that you may notice changes such as nipple, clitoral, or penile swelling, increased sensitivity in erogenous zones (including genitals, inner thighs, ears, armpits, lips, and feet), and a warming sensation or flush due to shifts in blood circulation. Larger muscle groups like the buttocks, thighs, and hips might tense or spasm, accompanied by an elevated heart rate and breath rate.
Emotionally, your feelings during sex can span a wide spectrum, from vulnerability and excitement to contentment and openness, among many other possibilities. Tanner emphasizes that there’s an infinite array of adjectives that can describe the emotional experience of sex.
However, one universally agreed-upon aspect is that sex should not be painful unless it’s a deliberate preference. As a key takeaway, remember this: Pain should not be a part of your sexual experience unless you and your partner(s) explicitly desire it.
Reeves notes that pain sometimes arises due to insufficient lubrication, which can often be resolved using store-bought lubricants. Other times, muscular discomfort can be addressed by changing positions or incorporating positioning aids. However, in some cases, painful sex may indicate a condition requiring psychological or medical treatment, such as endometriosis, hypertonic pelvic floor issues, menopause, or vaginismus.
When engaging in solo sexual activity, the experience can vary greatly
Take Samuel, a 25-year-old gay cisgender man, for instance. He describes his solo sexual experience as involving vigorous stroking of his penis with lube, lotion, or saliva assistance. To him, this act is akin to a release of pent-up energy. Post-masturbation, Samuel reports feeling a sense of calm, increased focus, and reduced agitation.
Then there’s Amanda, a 34-year-old self-identified “new to the wheelchair neurodivergent lesbian dyke.” For her, the physical sensations of solo sex are less important than the stress relief she experiences upon climaxing. While she acknowledges the pleasurable aspects of vibrator use, Amanda primarily values the sensation of stress dissipating from her body.
Lastly, Kolby, a 42-year-old non-op trans man, uniquely approaches solo sex. He typically wears a butt plug and uses a dildo for stimulation, creating an evening dedicated to self-pleasure. For Kolby, this extended experience feels like composing a heartfelt love letter to his body.
If you’re engaging in partnered sexual activity, it may feel like…
Kissing, sensual massage, grinding, oral sex, anal sex, and more all offer distinct sensations and feelings.
Mary Margaret, a 34-year-old pansexual woman, recently had a passionate makeout session that she considers a form of sexual activity. She describes it as a heated encounter where they stood outside her apartment door, passionately kissing for over 30 minutes. The intensity of the moment, the longing for each other, the locked gazes, and the subtle hip movements made it an intimate and fiery experience, even though they remained fully clothed and didn’t heavily engage their hands. For Mary Margaret, it was unequivocally a sexual encounter due to its intimacy and spiciness.
Angelica, a 43-year-old postop trans woman, shared her experience of recent anal sex with her partner. She describes it as a warm and comfortable sensation of fullness followed by a pleasurable wetness.
Charlie, a 21-year-old nonbinary individual with a vulva, recently engaged in scissoring with their vulva-owning partner. They describe the experience as wet, friction-filled, and highly intimate.
When engaging in multi partnered sexual experiences, the sensations and emotions can be incredibly diverse.
Jane, a cisgender woman with significant experience in group sex, expressed her perspective on Quora. She described group sex as an array of sensations: exciting, exhausting, pleasurable, satisfying, tiring, sweaty, and even somewhat explainable, capturing the multifaceted nature of the experience.
Zander*, a 39-year-old bisexual cisgender man with extensive experience in threesomes, characterizes these encounters as an immersion in desire. To him, they feel naughty, like surrendering to his most primal desires and relishing in them.
Sarah*, a 27-year-old bisexual woman who regularly attends sex parties and participates in orgies, emphasizes that group play is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Its nature varies significantly depending on the people involved. She’s encountered group sex that’s kinky and wild and group play that’s tantric and deeply connected, highlighting the wide spectrum of sensations and connections possible in multipartnered encounters.
Enhancing Pleasure in Every Aspect of Sex
Whether you’re engaging in solo, partnered, or multipartnered sexual experiences, and regardless of whether you’re a novice or a seasoned enthusiast, these tips are here to assist you in making your encounters more enjoyable.
Challenge Preconceived Notions
Tanner points out that often, the barriers to pleasurable sex don’t stem from a lack of skills, toys, or physical attractiveness. Instead, they often arise from misconceptions about what is permissible or expected during sexual encounters.
This is particularly relevant for cisgender women and individuals assigned female at birth. Tanner suggests that achieving more pleasurable sexual experiences involves becoming more comfortable with asserting your desires and boundaries in the bedroom. To become at ease with making such requests during intimate moments, they recommend starting these conversations outside of the bedroom.
Do you want your partner(s) to put away their phone at the dinner table? Don’t hesitate to ask. Need more help with household chores from your partner? Communicate your needs. Desire more words of affirmation from your lover? Simply express your wishes.
Masturbate
Many of us have been conditioned to believe that in partnered or multipartnered sexual encounters, our pleasure is solely our partners’ responsibility. But that’s not the case!
I encourage individuals to establish a self-pleasure routine, allowing them to discover their preferences without the pressures of performance or the presence of another partner in the bedroom.
By doing so, they can acquire valuable insights into what brings them pleasure, which they can then use to enhance their own sexual experiences.
My suggestion is to dedicate at least one hour a week to exploring your own body and what pleases you.
Ditch the Act!
A friendly reminder: It’s unrealistic to expect your intimate moments to mirror those of a porn performer. It’s essential to remember that porn performers are actors, and real-life intimacy differs significantly from what’s portrayed in adult films.
When we focus on “performing” in the bedroom, we often become preoccupied with how we appear rather than fully experiencing the pleasures of the moment.
To truly enjoy a more satisfying sex life, we should challenge these misconceptions about how we’re supposed to look or behave in the bedroom. Instead, prioritize genuine connection and pleasure over trying to emulate unrealistic standards.
Express Your Desires
“Ask for exactly what you want,” advises Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and the founder of Organic Loven, one of the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shops.
Remember, most partners genuinely want to please each other and are eager to know if something isn’t quite hitting the mark so that they can enhance your pleasure.
Here are some ways to convey your desires in the heat of the moment:
- Express your enjoyment: “That feels so good!”
- Request specific actions: “Can you do the thing with your tongue you were doing a minute ago? That felt so good.”
- Give directional guidance: “A little to the left.”
- Suggest new elements: “Can you add in a finger?”
- Adjust the pace: “A little slower…”
Nonverbal Communication Matters
In addition to verbal communication, harness the power of nonverbal cues using your hands, hips, and legs to convey what feels pleasurable to you.
For instance, if you appreciate the rhythm of their movements, wrapping your legs around them can signal your satisfaction. If you desire more pressure, gently threading your fingers through their hair and pulling them closer can communicate your preference.
Conversely, if something isn’t quite hitting the mark, tilting your hips away nonverbally conveys your need for an adjustment.
Remember that while nonverbal communication is potent, it’s most effective when combined with verbal cues to ensure mutual understanding.
Preparing for New Experiences
Whether you’re trying something new solo or with a partner, thoughtful preparation can enhance the experience significantly.
Consider discussing precisely what you plan to do, which can help you identify any props, tools, or barrier methods you may need. Additionally, this discussion can align expectations for all parties involved.
Ultimately, when you’re ready to dive in, embrace open communication, both verbally and nonverbally. Be adaptable, and don’t hesitate to make adjustments or stop if needed—most importantly, enjoy the journey.
Not Enjoying Something New?
Whether solo or with a partner, every sexual experience teaches you more about yourself, your desires, and your body. Even if you didn’t like it, it’s all part of the learning process.
If you didn’t enjoy it, consider:
- What aspects didn’t you like?
- Were there any moments you did enjoy?
- Can changes make it more enjoyable?
- Are you interested in practicing to make it better?
- Dealing with Unwanted Pain?
Remember, pain is your body’s signal that something isn’t right. For minor discomfort like rawness or chafing, try using lubricant. If it’s chronic or more severe, seek help from a skilled practitioner like a sexological bodyworker, somatic practitioner, or pelvic floor therapist.