“The way people demonstrate an interest in sex isn’t entirely based on gender, but more individual to each person,” emphasizes Gigi Engle, SKYN Condoms’ Sex & Intimacy Expert, and certified sex coach. “While we live in a world that still adheres to gender norms quite often, men can sometimes be more upfront about their desires than women.”
Has anyone ever straightforwardly revealed their desire for intimacy right from the beginning? Not at the end of a date when a mutual attraction is palpable, and the first kiss is imminent, but even before the date commences—perhaps as the opening message on a dating app?
While this level of upfronts might be possible when dating women, it’s more often the case that guys need to work for that kind of insight. Typically, you need to showcase politeness, charm, and flirtatiousness before receiving concrete confirmation of your appeal.
Though it might seem unjust, this reflects the reality of the dating world and how men and women undergo distinct socialization as they navigate life, especially in straight dating and flirting.
However, deciphering whether a woman’s interest is genuine or just politeness isn’t impossible. While complete certainty may only come from direct communication, sure signs can hint at her thoughts and intentions, assuring you that you’re not imagining things.
To shed light on this matter, ask men consulted dating experts to unveil the mystery. The next time you share a connection with an attractive woman, you won’t be entirely in the dark. Here’s what they shared:
The contrast between how men and women approach things is rarely black and white. Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean they’re identical in how they express their interest in intimate relations.
Engle adds, “This doesn’t indicate women don’t desire intimacy. However, women are taught to be the gatekeepers of sex, giving men what they ‘simply must have.’” Engle points to the harmful societal double standard around sex known as “slut-shaming,” which punishes women for their desire while rewarding men for similar actions. “These notions are highly destructive and contribute to why women often don’t initiate sexual encounters.”
This difference isn’t solely rooted in socialization but also in the natural hormones male and female bodies produce.
“Men and women express sexual interest differently, generally speaking,” explains Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.”
Tessina adds, “Men tend to be more goal-oriented due to their driving hormones—testosterone and adrenaline—making them direct. Women’s main sexual hormones—estrogen and oxytocin—center on emotions and feelings. Their sexual interest often revolves around love.”
So, how do these distinctions manifest in practice? According to Connell Barrett, the dating coach for the Hily dating app, there are several ways.
“Men tend to be more upfront and vocal about expressing their sexual interest,” he suggests. “A man might say, ‘You’re attractive’ or ‘Want to hang out later?’ Women are subtler in showcasing romantic interest. Moreover, [many women] want to ascertain if a man can pick up on their cues and possess the confidence to take action and steer the interaction towards potential intimacy.”
Inviting You for Personal Time Together
If you’re not familiar with each other yet, she proposes spending time alone with you; it might suggest she views you as more than a friend.
Why? Women usually opt for one-on-one time with men they’re at ease with. If she doesn’t know you well enough for platonic comfort, some of her inclination to be alone with you could hint at a form of sexual attraction.
“She might inquire, ‘What’s your agenda later?’ or ‘Any plans for the weekend?’” Barrett points out. “These are signals she’s extending her availability.”
These actions could indicate her intentions, especially if she asks you to join her for drinks or suggests going to her place (or visiting yours).
Alcohol’s ability to relax inhibitions often links it to romantic or sexual contexts (which is why bars are typical first-date venues), and being together privately rather than in public can facilitate the progression toward intimacy.
Engaging in Flirtatious Conversations
A common way to show interest is through playful conversations, where you subtly express attraction without directly saying it.
However, the challenge here is that flirting can differ significantly from person to person, making it easy to misinterpret friendly chat as flirtation (or vice versa) in certain situations.
“In such cases, women will drop verbal hints,” Barrett explains, “such as offering multiple compliments.”
While this could be a matter of politeness, compliments about your appearance might carry more sexual undertones than praising your performance in a class or at work.
Flirting to convey sexual interest can encompass various actions, like giving gifts, inquiring about your love or sex life, or simply being playful.
For instance, if you share an inside joke, it might be her way of flirtatiously expressing her attraction to you.
Initiating Physical Contact Purposefully
A classic signal of female interest is breaking the touch barrier. Typically, women tend to be cautious around men, so her willingness to touch you indicates her comfort.
Barrett points out that the aspect of touch in attraction can manifest in diverse ways, even in some that don’t directly involve touch. Her desire to touch you might initially present a heightened awareness of your physical presence.
“She might lean in closer when talking,” he mentions. “Her eye contact might intensify, and she’ll focus intently on your words, not glancing at her phone or looking around. She might exhibit playful fidgeting or bite her lower lip.”
If this progresses to actual physical touch, it becomes a clear indication of her interest.
“Many women might touch your arm to suggest a desire for something more physical,” he elaborates. “A strong clue is when her touch shifts from your arm to your chest, a more intimate area for a woman to touch a man. While arm-touching might indicate a potential interest in intimacy, chest or torso touching is a more definite sign of attraction.”
Positive Response to Your Advances
When you’re taking the lead in interactions, a positive indicator of her interest is her encouragement of your advances instead of providing negative or neutral responses.
“If a woman feels comfortable and at ease with you and is open to physical touch (especially if she senses your understanding and care), she will respond positively to your gestures of affection,” explains Tessina. “If you proceed at a comfortable pace and she responds in kind, it signifies her willingness to engage in sexual activity. If she asks you to stop, it’s important to respect her boundaries and halt.”
In such a scenario, she might be attracted to you but not ready for a sexual encounter. In that case, giving her the time she needs is crucial. Alternatively, she might not be interested and is unsure about expressing it clearly. Remember, it’s essential not to pressure her further, as that could worsen her discomfort.
Expressing Her Desire for Intimacy
Ultimately, none of these signs can guarantee consent. Even if you notice a combination of these indicators, as Engle emphasizes, only an enthusiastic ‘yes’ constitutes true consent.
“Never assume someone wants to engage in sexual activity unless you’ve explicitly asked and received their consent,” she advises. “Believing that certain behaviors or signals imply a willingness to have sex is a misconception. Even if clothing is removed and there’s mutual undressing, it’s still necessary to periodically check in and ensure both parties are comfortable and willing to proceed. This communication should go both ways.”
If You’re Interested
If both you and she are interested, congratulations! This is the ideal scenario, and it’s likely to be less complicated than other situations.
“If you’ve had an open conversation about wanting to have sex and both of you are in agreement, that’s fantastic,” affirms Engle. “You can proceed with having sex and enjoy the experience together.”
However, just because mutual attraction and interest in sex exist doesn’t guarantee a seamless experience. Your response should convey your reciprocal interest.
“Show genuine interest in her conversation, offer compliments (not focused on her body), and engage in light touches on her arms or shoulders,” suggests Tessina. “Brief and occasional eye contact is better than prolonged staring. Progress to the next step only after she responds positively to your advances.”
Barrett echoes the importance of mutual interest.
“If you’re inclined to take the relationship in a sexual direction, it’s essential for a man to reciprocate and gradually advance the interaction,” he advises. “If she initiates physical contact, responds kindly. If she indicates her availability, ask her out. If the context is right and you’ve both been sharing physical touches, consider moving in for a kiss.”
“In general,” Barrett concludes, “the man’s role is to guide the progression of the interaction, while the woman’s role is to either signal agreement or disagreement.”
Why? As Barrett clarifies, this is the general dynamic but not an absolute rule. Many women prefer to lead, and many men are comfortable following suit, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
If You’re Not Interested
Handling a situation where a woman is showing romantic interest but you’re not interested can be more complex.
Although men are not often portrayed as facing unwanted advances in heterosexual interactions, women’s advances can make men uncomfortable. If you find yourself in such a scenario, there’s no need to feel embarrassed.
Your response should align with the level of her advances. If her approach is moderate, explicitly rejecting her might not be necessary. According to Tessina, you can convey your lack of interest more subtly.
“Maintain a comfortable distance, remain polite and friendly, but don’t engage in overly personal conversations,” she suggests. “Look around the room casually. She’ll likely understand the message.”
Barrett agrees that directly expressing your lack of interest might only sometimes be required.
“If you’re not interested, you can simply refrain from escalating the situation,” he advises. “Be courteous without reciprocating physical contact. Avoid asking her out. If she makes flirtatious remarks, respond politely but don’t respond with flirty comments of your own, as that could give her the wrong impression.”
If she doesn’t pick up on the hints, another option is to create the impression that you’re already romantically or sexually involved with someone else by mentioning a current partner.
“A gentle way to convey disinterest to a woman attracted to you is to mention ‘the woman I’ve been seeing casually,'” advises Barrett. “This indicates that you’re unavailable and that your lack of interest isn’t a reflection of her attractiveness.”
On the other hand, Engle suggests a more direct approach, which could be especially helpful if the woman openly expresses her attraction or interest.
“If you’re not interested in pursuing a sexual relationship, honesty is the best policy,” she recommends. “For instance, if you’re in a social setting and she invites you to her place, and you’re not interested, you can simply say:
‘I’m planning to stay with my friends,’ or
‘That’s a kind offer, but I’ll pass.'”
And if the situation has advanced beyond that point, it’s important to remember that you’re not obligated to engage in any activity you’re uncomfortable with just to please her.
“If you’ve already gone to her place but aren’t feeling it,” Engle explains, “you can simply say:
‘I find you attractive, but I’d prefer just to kiss'”
If you’d rather not engage in any physical activity, strive to communicate your lack of interest politely yet clearly.
“We all need to practice being direct about our intentions,” Engle adds. “Actions and choices don’t equate to consent. Genuine, verbal enthusiasm is the only way to establish mutual consent for sexual activity.”